28 December 2005
Looking into your eyes
I have always known that I'm prone to depression, and that I have mood swings and some kind of anxiety issue. It still surprises me sometimes, though.
Everything is going really well. Sure, I've been set back a little in my plans, but it wasn't anything too terrible. I will just have to live in a sucky situation for a little longer. I need a new mode of transportation, and I need to save up a little more money than I had originally planned.
Despite this, I've not been this happy in years. I still have doubts about some things, and feel like I something is hiding and it can't be going as well as it seems. It feels like I should hate my job, but I don't really. It is getting worse, but I still like it. I had a break for a little while, and it cleared my perspective on a lot of things. Visiting home was just as stressful as I'd thought it would be, maybe even more so in the end, but it was helpful as well. I just never want to do it again.
On another note, it seems like I have a lot of friends in my new home. One in particular, I am really glad to have. It seems like he likes me as more than a friend, also, but I can't stop myself from assuming he doesn't. I don't want to be disappointed, as I have been in the past. It feels right, but I don't want there to be a misunderstanding. So I will just sit in my corner and wonder, wishing and hoping like a fool that he loved me like I love him, never knowing the truth because if he does like me, we are both to shy to come out and say it.
I wish I didn't have a cold, because then I am sure I would be with him right now. I miss him.
Everything is going really well. Sure, I've been set back a little in my plans, but it wasn't anything too terrible. I will just have to live in a sucky situation for a little longer. I need a new mode of transportation, and I need to save up a little more money than I had originally planned.
Despite this, I've not been this happy in years. I still have doubts about some things, and feel like I something is hiding and it can't be going as well as it seems. It feels like I should hate my job, but I don't really. It is getting worse, but I still like it. I had a break for a little while, and it cleared my perspective on a lot of things. Visiting home was just as stressful as I'd thought it would be, maybe even more so in the end, but it was helpful as well. I just never want to do it again.
On another note, it seems like I have a lot of friends in my new home. One in particular, I am really glad to have. It seems like he likes me as more than a friend, also, but I can't stop myself from assuming he doesn't. I don't want to be disappointed, as I have been in the past. It feels right, but I don't want there to be a misunderstanding. So I will just sit in my corner and wonder, wishing and hoping like a fool that he loved me like I love him, never knowing the truth because if he does like me, we are both to shy to come out and say it.
I wish I didn't have a cold, because then I am sure I would be with him right now. I miss him.
24 December 2005
Burn it down, till the embers smoke on the ground.
This feeling is amazing. It's like falling into an abyss filled with warm air and the scent of you, slowly twisting and turning through the air without a fear or care in the world. It's plain comfort. It doesn't matter what happens, as long as I'm with you. It just feels right, as though nothing can ever go wrong. It is incredible.
Underneath your sloppy face
Your eyes shine bright as stars
The tears have faded so let me know
If I should fly to Mars.
Bring me up, up into the night
Take me with you, out of sight
Our lives are just beginning
Let's begin together.
Underneath your sloppy face
Your eyes shine bright as stars
The tears have faded so let me know
If I should fly to Mars.
Bring me up, up into the night
Take me with you, out of sight
Our lives are just beginning
Let's begin together.
22 December 2005
Left hand that crashed near your house in the ice and snow.
Nothing can be gray right now. For me, everything must be black and white. It's a state of mind I'm trying to get back out of, because I never used to think this way.
I tried last night. I failed miserably, I blew it. I give up. I am not trying again, unless the opportunity is fucking slapping me in the face. I cannot handle feeling like a fool.
The world may still have hope, but I have lost my own. It's not just him, it's everything. My vehicle is gone, and I have to ride the bus. Or rely on friends and jerks. It makes everything feel so hopeless, so impossible. It all seems so futile.
He makes me smile. He makes it better. He doesn't know.
I tried last night. I failed miserably, I blew it. I give up. I am not trying again, unless the opportunity is fucking slapping me in the face. I cannot handle feeling like a fool.
The world may still have hope, but I have lost my own. It's not just him, it's everything. My vehicle is gone, and I have to ride the bus. Or rely on friends and jerks. It makes everything feel so hopeless, so impossible. It all seems so futile.
He makes me smile. He makes it better. He doesn't know.
21 December 2005
Every color goes where you do.
It's amazing how in one moment I can go from feeling alright to feeling like the stupidest and lamest person on the planet.
There should have been something. Anything. But I couldn't think of it.
I am the worst.
It's just not my day, I guess.
I suppose I will just go, then.
Sigh...
There should have been something. Anything. But I couldn't think of it.
I am the worst.
It's just not my day, I guess.
I suppose I will just go, then.
Sigh...
15 December 2005
Blur, blur, blur.
Just another action in a sea of inaction and thought
something's missing
I'm missing someone
I miss you
I woke up this morning and I felt so good
but I realized I was away from you
it all hit me last night
a wave washing over my soul
drenching me in emotion and passion
I realized how much I care
how much I hate to be away
the butterflies are fluttering
but they're beginning to settle down
this is the worst time for me to fall in love.
12 December 2005
"Well, that's the one thing we've got."
There's a last chance for everything, so get on the boat before you miss your last chance to nowhere. It's fear, fear that grips us, that binds us, that pulls us apart, but fear can't stop the truth from coming out. When it does, it will change our lives, but lives are meant to be changed, so it will all be okay.
Give me a chance.
It's not so difficult once you get started. It's a magical, mystical ride through eternity, you and me. Please, stay for tea, and we'll have the time of our lives.
Love is just an illusion. The illusion breaks us, hiding our very beings until we no longer know exactly who we are. Don't fall in love. It's not real. Don't waste time on false reality.
I'm in love.
Give me a chance.
It's not so difficult once you get started. It's a magical, mystical ride through eternity, you and me. Please, stay for tea, and we'll have the time of our lives.
Love is just an illusion. The illusion breaks us, hiding our very beings until we no longer know exactly who we are. Don't fall in love. It's not real. Don't waste time on false reality.
I'm in love.
05 December 2005
Just let her go, fall away and I will catch you.
It's been so long since I've had a day this bad. Everything got to me. I was such a terrible mess by the end of the night. Every mistake was the worst thing ever, and I felt horrible. Every dumb thing I said seemed amplified to the entire world, and I couldn't hide that it was like that.
It's too much. I have to many troubles. Family, friends, love, housing, food, work, life... it's all getting to me. I can usually take it. I can handle my troubles and still seem functional for the majority of the day. Today was not such a day, I couldn't take it. I almost started crying when I was talking to my friends, but I didn't. I couldn't. I don't cry in front of people. Same way I don't sing.
It's just so hard. I want to fix everything, make it right, but I also want to ruin my life by admitting my feelings for someone. I don't think it could possibly turn out well. It's just a big mess. A big, huge mess.
I think I am falling for you hard, kid. I wish you could catch me.
It's too much. I have to many troubles. Family, friends, love, housing, food, work, life... it's all getting to me. I can usually take it. I can handle my troubles and still seem functional for the majority of the day. Today was not such a day, I couldn't take it. I almost started crying when I was talking to my friends, but I didn't. I couldn't. I don't cry in front of people. Same way I don't sing.
It's just so hard. I want to fix everything, make it right, but I also want to ruin my life by admitting my feelings for someone. I don't think it could possibly turn out well. It's just a big mess. A big, huge mess.
I think I am falling for you hard, kid. I wish you could catch me.
04 December 2005
Hold me Tight
Blind as a bat
It's no surprise that you're under the weather
An uncomfortable silence
Produces uncomfortable thoughts
Produces uncomfortable sighs
Produces uncomfortable love
It's not obligatory it's a choice and it's wrong
Don't say no
Say yes
It's the only way to go
Up, up into the starry night sky
with a sparkle in your eye
Second star on the right, or is it the left
You're the one who knows
Come with me to paradise
Love me
Give me a chance and I'll take you to dance
It's not so difficult when you pull
The shoes off and the lights start spinning
Just go with the beat it'll sweep you off your feet
With no cares to betray
My feelings are gay
Give it a whirl
Arise in my eyes and your sadness will fade
I'll take you to paradise
It's no surprise that you're under the weather
An uncomfortable silence
Produces uncomfortable thoughts
Produces uncomfortable sighs
Produces uncomfortable love
It's not obligatory it's a choice and it's wrong
Don't say no
Say yes
It's the only way to go
Up, up into the starry night sky
with a sparkle in your eye
Second star on the right, or is it the left
You're the one who knows
Come with me to paradise
Love me
Give me a chance and I'll take you to dance
It's not so difficult when you pull
The shoes off and the lights start spinning
Just go with the beat it'll sweep you off your feet
With no cares to betray
My feelings are gay
Give it a whirl
Arise in my eyes and your sadness will fade
I'll take you to paradise
01 December 2005
It's like the butterflies are resting on a flower bush.
My friends talk to me about their love lives like no other. They're boys and they talk about their girls. Whether it's crazies, or cute girls, or girls they can't have, it doesn't matter. The only tough thing is when the friend who I have a mad crush on talks to me about love. I know he's talking about his girlfriend, even though I suspect they are not doing so hot. I just know it, and there's nothing I can do. I still like him, but he loves her, and there's nothing I can do. It's like being sucked into a blackhole where everything is a reality I don't want to face, and the only emotions are lonely and sad. I am happy for him, of course, and not just because I should be for appearances. He is my friend, and I want him to be happy. He is my friend above all else, as it is with all of my friends, but it is still hard. I bottle up all my feelings for him when I am around him, and act like normal, and no one would ever guess.
I am so emotionally unhealthy. I am getting better, but good lord.
I am so emotionally unhealthy. I am getting better, but good lord.
