You're Okay

Nobody looks at me anymore.
Again.
I cant expect them to, either. Why should they?
What do I bring to the table?
Apparently, nothing.
I suppose I excepted it to change. I expected someone to learn something from tragedy.
That didn't happen. At least, not for long.
I must be vile, some horrible thing from the dregs of daughters and sisters.
Why does it matter so much?
There are other people who would, who do give me the time of day.
For some reason, these two matter so much more to me, and I matter so little to them.
In comparison to the woman placed on the pedestal, who's always been held in such high regard...
I just don't measure up.
I never have, and I never will.
The questions is...
Do they need to learn to accept this truth?
...Or do I?

Isn't a new year supposed to bring changes for the better?
This one seems like it's bringing them for worse.

I had no idea it was so difficult to keep going when there was almost nothing left. I have one thing going for me right now, and it is the best thing in the world, but it's tough to make it worthwhile to keep going to a horrible job, living in a horrible house, driving a horrible car, and living a horrible life except for that one thing. I'll do it though. I have to keep going. I just wish it weren't so difficult.

Okay, so maybe I'm not the smartest, the prettiest, the nicest, or the most adult. But I try not to let it bother me.

Knowing that there is someone who cares about what you do, but will care about you no matter what it is you do, is a really incredible thing. It helps to make the hardest decisions a little bit easier.

I'd have to say that the biggest thing I've learned with you is how to live life. Maybe we're just coasting along, working only because we have to and hating it, spending all our time together but not enough doing the things that matter, but we're still living. I can't live with routine, with the same thing day after day. I thought I could, but it's impossible. I get bored, time passes slowly, and I get depressed. The office is not the place for me, and I worry that what I want to go to school for may lead me to a life i cannot live. It's difficult to know when things are going to go smoothly, I can't tell the future. It feels like everything will start to work out soon, though, and that after nearly two decades of difficulty, change, and some pain, I will finally be able to start living, and not worry about what the next big problem will be. Maybe I can even stop worrying about us, because things are obviously going fine, and love like this is hard to ruin. I can feel it. The end is nowhere in sight, and I think that I am okay with that.

I can't believe everything is really as perfect as all this. That nothing could happen to wreck this, and that you really feel the same way.

This sort of thing doesn't happen to me. Something is always going wrong with my life. I am still so scared of what could be next.

I want nothing more than to tell you how much I love you, how long I've loved you. But I'm so afraid. I don't want it to change things, and I'm so afraid it could. It's the same reason I'm not ready for a lot of things. I want things to stay perfect, just the way they are. I know that is impossible, but I want it so badly.

Nothing horrible will happen to us. Nothing horrible could ever happen to us. Everything is working well for us because this relationship is perfect, and it's meant to be this way. This is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and maybe to you, too, and it can never turn sour.

I want to be with you every second of every day. I wish that you never had to leave, that I never had to work. I want to blow my savings on spending time with you, but that would be impossible. I'm with you every day, and yet I still miss you terribly when you go.

Today was a day filled with magic. Every time I looked at you, it was as though something inside us connected, and we couldn't pull our eyes apart. Just thinking about makes me shiver.

I wish that you were here right now. I want so badly to lie in your arms forever, without a care in the world except each other.

But I still worry if this isn't too much, too soon. We've been going together for only a short while, and we've been together every single day... I wonder if this is a good way to start out.

We've waited so long for this, though, both of us. Maybe this really is perfect. Maybe this can really last forever.

I worry that you will get tired of me. I've found the first thing to truly frighten me about us, and the first thing to annoy me about you. I'm certain you've done the same. I wonder if it's enough...?

I dislike it a little bit when people who haven't even talked to me think I am a certain way, or a certain kind of person. I know, I do it to them, too... but still. That's okay. They can think I am a weirdo, and they can hate me. She's the one who fucked up. She should get over it, and herself, and learn to deal with life. I haven't messed anything up for anybody. It is not my fault that the most wonderful boy in the world picked me after she treated him badly. Also, we're perfect together. It doesn't matter if she can't see that. She's unimportant.

I'm getting more comfortable with this whole situation. A couple of weeks ago I wasn't sure if I could handle it, but it's just a big change, and I'm not good with change. I've had a lot of changes, lately. It feels as though my life has been turned upside down. This one, though, is for the best. I've loved him for so long... it still feels like it can't possibly be real, but I am starting to realize that it is, and it's a wonderful feeling.

This winter has been a season of new beginnings.

I've changed a lot even since last month, and I feel like a completely different person than I was last year, before I moved away from home.

I want to be a more confident person, someone who is comfortable with themself and secure in their words, actions, and feelings.

I don't think that I am.

I almost want to tell you I don't want to see you tonight. It almost feels like the right thing to do. I miss you, though, and I want to see you as much as I can, because I love you more than anything right now. I remember what it was like before we were together, when I pined for you like a pathetic little girl. Now that I finally have you in my arms, I don't know what to do. I still can't believe you are really here, and that you love me too. It's still pretty overwhelming, because I am so worried that everything is just going to collapse around me. I am trying so hard to protect myself from being hurt that I think I am forgetting to enjoy this, us, you.

I'm really worried, though, and I am not entirely sure it's unfounded.

I know I'm indecisive and passive and I tease too much. I know that I don't speak up about the things that matter, and I will let myself be uncomfortable for your happiness. I know that I try too hard to make everyone but me happy, and I know that it tends to get on people's nerves, and I worry that it's starting to get on your's. I know that I apologize for everything and it makes my apologies seem insincere, but I mean every single one, even the joking ones.

But I also know that you are too soft-spoken to really make me decide anything, and you want to spend time with me as much as I do you, so you will put up with my stupid little quirks for the time being. I know that you would do whatever I wanted to do, even if you were unhappy, because you're just like me in that way. And I know that you have worries, too, or you wouldn't have that look in your eyes at night, and you wouldn't sigh like that, and you would look me in the eye always.

I wonder if we've both been hurt too much too recently for this to work. I wonder if you've loved me as long as I've loved you. I wonder if you worry about the same things as me, or if there are other worries that I have yet to realize.

But this can't end. This is all too perfect, we're too perfect. You've said it yourself.

I love you so much and I never want to lose you and I hope that all my fears are in vain.

As right as this seems, I still can't believe this is happening. I feel like I'm in a dream, in a play, in a movie. Everything is too perfect. Maybe it's okay, because everything else about my life is fucked up.

That boy left me with so many issues. I didn't even realize until this perfect one came along. I spend my days fretting over whether or not I'm ready for this, about whether or not this is all a farce, about what will happen later on, about breaking up. There's no reason for me to worry... I know all this is a long way off. He likes me, I like him, it's all okay. I should just chill. Relax and enjoy myself. Nothing lasts forever, we need to make the best of the time we have.

I miss him, but I'm glad to have a night to myself. I think it will help me calm down and stop worrying so much that he will get sick of me, even when he says he won't. Maybe I'll also stop worrying that things are moving too fast, even though they're sort of really not.

I'm glad that things have turned out so wonderful. Other things may be fucked up right now, but I know that he is there for me and I will get through it.

I'm tired but I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking of you. You'e all I feel, all I smell, all I taste. Your voice is all I hear, and your face is all I see. I can't seem to get enough of you.

I was just lying in your arms. I miss you already, and it's only been five minutes.

I'm not sure if this is love or not, but I want it to be. It all feels so right, like this is all meant to be.

I don't care if everyone knows or no one knows, because I know and you know and that's all that is important.