23 February 2006
It's been ten years, maybe more, since I first set eyes on you.
I dislike it a little bit when people who haven't even talked to me think I am a certain way, or a certain kind of person. I know, I do it to them, too... but still. That's okay. They can think I am a weirdo, and they can hate me. She's the one who fucked up. She should get over it, and herself, and learn to deal with life. I haven't messed anything up for anybody. It is not my fault that the most wonderful boy in the world picked me after she treated him badly. Also, we're perfect together. It doesn't matter if she can't see that. She's unimportant.
I'm getting more comfortable with this whole situation. A couple of weeks ago I wasn't sure if I could handle it, but it's just a big change, and I'm not good with change. I've had a lot of changes, lately. It feels as though my life has been turned upside down. This one, though, is for the best. I've loved him for so long... it still feels like it can't possibly be real, but I am starting to realize that it is, and it's a wonderful feeling.
I'm getting more comfortable with this whole situation. A couple of weeks ago I wasn't sure if I could handle it, but it's just a big change, and I'm not good with change. I've had a lot of changes, lately. It feels as though my life has been turned upside down. This one, though, is for the best. I've loved him for so long... it still feels like it can't possibly be real, but I am starting to realize that it is, and it's a wonderful feeling.
15 February 2006
I can take my clothes off, I cannot fall in love.
This winter has been a season of new beginnings.
I've changed a lot even since last month, and I feel like a completely different person than I was last year, before I moved away from home.
I want to be a more confident person, someone who is comfortable with themself and secure in their words, actions, and feelings.
I don't think that I am.
I almost want to tell you I don't want to see you tonight. It almost feels like the right thing to do. I miss you, though, and I want to see you as much as I can, because I love you more than anything right now. I remember what it was like before we were together, when I pined for you like a pathetic little girl. Now that I finally have you in my arms, I don't know what to do. I still can't believe you are really here, and that you love me too. It's still pretty overwhelming, because I am so worried that everything is just going to collapse around me. I am trying so hard to protect myself from being hurt that I think I am forgetting to enjoy this, us, you.
I'm really worried, though, and I am not entirely sure it's unfounded.
I know I'm indecisive and passive and I tease too much. I know that I don't speak up about the things that matter, and I will let myself be uncomfortable for your happiness. I know that I try too hard to make everyone but me happy, and I know that it tends to get on people's nerves, and I worry that it's starting to get on your's. I know that I apologize for everything and it makes my apologies seem insincere, but I mean every single one, even the joking ones.
But I also know that you are too soft-spoken to really make me decide anything, and you want to spend time with me as much as I do you, so you will put up with my stupid little quirks for the time being. I know that you would do whatever I wanted to do, even if you were unhappy, because you're just like me in that way. And I know that you have worries, too, or you wouldn't have that look in your eyes at night, and you wouldn't sigh like that, and you would look me in the eye always.
I wonder if we've both been hurt too much too recently for this to work. I wonder if you've loved me as long as I've loved you. I wonder if you worry about the same things as me, or if there are other worries that I have yet to realize.
But this can't end. This is all too perfect, we're too perfect. You've said it yourself.
I love you so much and I never want to lose you and I hope that all my fears are in vain.
I've changed a lot even since last month, and I feel like a completely different person than I was last year, before I moved away from home.
I want to be a more confident person, someone who is comfortable with themself and secure in their words, actions, and feelings.
I don't think that I am.
I almost want to tell you I don't want to see you tonight. It almost feels like the right thing to do. I miss you, though, and I want to see you as much as I can, because I love you more than anything right now. I remember what it was like before we were together, when I pined for you like a pathetic little girl. Now that I finally have you in my arms, I don't know what to do. I still can't believe you are really here, and that you love me too. It's still pretty overwhelming, because I am so worried that everything is just going to collapse around me. I am trying so hard to protect myself from being hurt that I think I am forgetting to enjoy this, us, you.
I'm really worried, though, and I am not entirely sure it's unfounded.
I know I'm indecisive and passive and I tease too much. I know that I don't speak up about the things that matter, and I will let myself be uncomfortable for your happiness. I know that I try too hard to make everyone but me happy, and I know that it tends to get on people's nerves, and I worry that it's starting to get on your's. I know that I apologize for everything and it makes my apologies seem insincere, but I mean every single one, even the joking ones.
But I also know that you are too soft-spoken to really make me decide anything, and you want to spend time with me as much as I do you, so you will put up with my stupid little quirks for the time being. I know that you would do whatever I wanted to do, even if you were unhappy, because you're just like me in that way. And I know that you have worries, too, or you wouldn't have that look in your eyes at night, and you wouldn't sigh like that, and you would look me in the eye always.
I wonder if we've both been hurt too much too recently for this to work. I wonder if you've loved me as long as I've loved you. I wonder if you worry about the same things as me, or if there are other worries that I have yet to realize.
But this can't end. This is all too perfect, we're too perfect. You've said it yourself.
I love you so much and I never want to lose you and I hope that all my fears are in vain.
09 February 2006
And the talking leads to touching, and the touching leads to sex, and then there is no mystery left.
As right as this seems, I still can't believe this is happening. I feel like I'm in a dream, in a play, in a movie. Everything is too perfect. Maybe it's okay, because everything else about my life is fucked up.
That boy left me with so many issues. I didn't even realize until this perfect one came along. I spend my days fretting over whether or not I'm ready for this, about whether or not this is all a farce, about what will happen later on, about breaking up. There's no reason for me to worry... I know all this is a long way off. He likes me, I like him, it's all okay. I should just chill. Relax and enjoy myself. Nothing lasts forever, we need to make the best of the time we have.
I miss him, but I'm glad to have a night to myself. I think it will help me calm down and stop worrying so much that he will get sick of me, even when he says he won't. Maybe I'll also stop worrying that things are moving too fast, even though they're sort of really not.
I'm glad that things have turned out so wonderful. Other things may be fucked up right now, but I know that he is there for me and I will get through it.
That boy left me with so many issues. I didn't even realize until this perfect one came along. I spend my days fretting over whether or not I'm ready for this, about whether or not this is all a farce, about what will happen later on, about breaking up. There's no reason for me to worry... I know all this is a long way off. He likes me, I like him, it's all okay. I should just chill. Relax and enjoy myself. Nothing lasts forever, we need to make the best of the time we have.
I miss him, but I'm glad to have a night to myself. I think it will help me calm down and stop worrying so much that he will get sick of me, even when he says he won't. Maybe I'll also stop worrying that things are moving too fast, even though they're sort of really not.
I'm glad that things have turned out so wonderful. Other things may be fucked up right now, but I know that he is there for me and I will get through it.
