28 October 2005
Rotten tomatoes on a concrete bar.
I am feeling pathetic and stuck.
I did not leave my home town to be unhappy, I left to make things better. I was in a confused, wrong relationship, with a confused, wrong crush going on as well, stuck in my choices of where to live and unable to afford to live on my own. I was fed up with living in a big city and fed up with not quite being an adult or a kid, which is more understandable if you know my situation... which you don't.
The last six months have been a roller coaster of feelings, and I've grown in some ways and not in others.
It's frustrating to be unable to tell which ways I have truely grown, however.
I think this summer was necessary. I was irresponsible and lazy, without a job or a care. I was such a bum, for the whole season, but I think I needed a vacation. I feel fortunate to be able to have had this vacation from life's duties, but I really need to get my act together. I need to move out on my own, and get my apparent freedom back.
Anyway...
What has been bothering me all day long is how much I've been working. I work ALL the time, as much as they will let me without getting too much overtime. This sucks partly because I feel I have been getting a lot of responsibility and praise that I do not deserve, and partly because I feel like I am sucking up in a fashion. There was a manager at my last job who was the pet of the general manager, and the other managers thought it wasn't fair. I wasn't a manager, but I still heard all about it. There is only one other manager at my level at this job, but I worry that I have taken the position of 'pet', and that people dislike me for this.
Also, I moved away from home in hopes that I would make more friends. I have a few friends, sure... but they are "work buddies", who I don't even hang out with because lately they both have found girlfriends. I do not go to school, I do not have any other means to meet people, and I work all the time... I am so lonely sometimes that it literally hurts, but I honestly don't know what I can do to fix it.
I smoked four cigarettes today. That is the most I have smoked in five months, since I had not smoked up until two months ago. I am still working on the same pack, which is good, but after today it is starting to run low. I worry a bit about that, because it is sort of a secret from my father. I don't think he will say anything, even if I reek of tobacco, but I am worried that he will lower his opinion of me.
I did not leave my home town to be unhappy, I left to make things better. I was in a confused, wrong relationship, with a confused, wrong crush going on as well, stuck in my choices of where to live and unable to afford to live on my own. I was fed up with living in a big city and fed up with not quite being an adult or a kid, which is more understandable if you know my situation... which you don't.
The last six months have been a roller coaster of feelings, and I've grown in some ways and not in others.
It's frustrating to be unable to tell which ways I have truely grown, however.
I think this summer was necessary. I was irresponsible and lazy, without a job or a care. I was such a bum, for the whole season, but I think I needed a vacation. I feel fortunate to be able to have had this vacation from life's duties, but I really need to get my act together. I need to move out on my own, and get my apparent freedom back.
Anyway...
What has been bothering me all day long is how much I've been working. I work ALL the time, as much as they will let me without getting too much overtime. This sucks partly because I feel I have been getting a lot of responsibility and praise that I do not deserve, and partly because I feel like I am sucking up in a fashion. There was a manager at my last job who was the pet of the general manager, and the other managers thought it wasn't fair. I wasn't a manager, but I still heard all about it. There is only one other manager at my level at this job, but I worry that I have taken the position of 'pet', and that people dislike me for this.
Also, I moved away from home in hopes that I would make more friends. I have a few friends, sure... but they are "work buddies", who I don't even hang out with because lately they both have found girlfriends. I do not go to school, I do not have any other means to meet people, and I work all the time... I am so lonely sometimes that it literally hurts, but I honestly don't know what I can do to fix it.
I smoked four cigarettes today. That is the most I have smoked in five months, since I had not smoked up until two months ago. I am still working on the same pack, which is good, but after today it is starting to run low. I worry a bit about that, because it is sort of a secret from my father. I don't think he will say anything, even if I reek of tobacco, but I am worried that he will lower his opinion of me.
27 October 2005
Please, don't notice me.
This anxiety I feel is almost debilitating. I am having trouble breathing, and I don't know whether to attribute it to the cold I'm recovering from, or to being stressed out and not having smoked today. I really shouldn't smoke every day, but I know that I only say that because it is "the right thing to say", and I don't actually give a crap about future cancer. I will deal with it when it comes, and I will have no one to blame but myself.
I have been pretty sure for a long time that I have a mild case of social anxiety disorder. I haven't been to a real therapist or psychologist, so I do not know for sure, but if I do it is definitely mild. Tonight things are really getting to me. I keep thinking "I shouldn't have said that so enthusiastically", "Maybe I shouldn't have been so candid", "Perhaps I shouldn't have told her that", "I shouldn't have laughed so much", etc.
I am afraid everyone I know is going to discover some secret of mine, but I don't really have any secrets to care about.
I can tell myself over and over that no one noticed, that what I said wasn't inappropriate enough to matter, that I laugh all the time and no one will mind. Maybe what is bothering me is that I feel like I tried to hard to be pretty today, for no real reason except to be pretty. I don't try to be pretty, or to look nice. It's just not something I do, I don't care enough. Therefore, it must stand out when I do, right? I haven't got a clue.
I feel a little bit uncomfortable, because I feel like I am really getting into things I don't want to be a part of. Perhaps all the stress of this job really is getting to me, and I'm just not letting myself see it.
I keep thinking, over and over, about all the things I said today. I know I did not say anything bad, I just can't stop. The more I think, the worse it gets, and the more things I think of to worry about.
Most of all I am worried that everyone knows how I feel about this one kid, even though I know I don't really feel much other than friendship towards him. However, I also know that I am fully capable, although this may sound horrible, of hiding my true feelings toward someone for a very long time. I have done it before, multiple times, and I can do it again.
There it is, the tight chest and difficulty breathing. I should really take care of this.
I have been pretty sure for a long time that I have a mild case of social anxiety disorder. I haven't been to a real therapist or psychologist, so I do not know for sure, but if I do it is definitely mild. Tonight things are really getting to me. I keep thinking "I shouldn't have said that so enthusiastically", "Maybe I shouldn't have been so candid", "Perhaps I shouldn't have told her that", "I shouldn't have laughed so much", etc.
I am afraid everyone I know is going to discover some secret of mine, but I don't really have any secrets to care about.
I can tell myself over and over that no one noticed, that what I said wasn't inappropriate enough to matter, that I laugh all the time and no one will mind. Maybe what is bothering me is that I feel like I tried to hard to be pretty today, for no real reason except to be pretty. I don't try to be pretty, or to look nice. It's just not something I do, I don't care enough. Therefore, it must stand out when I do, right? I haven't got a clue.
I feel a little bit uncomfortable, because I feel like I am really getting into things I don't want to be a part of. Perhaps all the stress of this job really is getting to me, and I'm just not letting myself see it.
I keep thinking, over and over, about all the things I said today. I know I did not say anything bad, I just can't stop. The more I think, the worse it gets, and the more things I think of to worry about.
Most of all I am worried that everyone knows how I feel about this one kid, even though I know I don't really feel much other than friendship towards him. However, I also know that I am fully capable, although this may sound horrible, of hiding my true feelings toward someone for a very long time. I have done it before, multiple times, and I can do it again.
There it is, the tight chest and difficulty breathing. I should really take care of this.
26 October 2005
Always remember who you are
It's carried away on the wind
Astoundingly thick and dense
Turning end over end
It flies away
Making its way
Through black rain clouds
Marking its path
With clear air
Broken, it falls
Mayhem ensues
Running, running
It continues to pursue
The sky ignites
A shooting red flame
Pulling the mess right in
It is gone for the moment
The ashes have fallen down
Soon to return to life
As a phoenix might do
To bring back the trouble
Bring back the pain
Let's just enjoy
This momentary refrain
Astoundingly thick and dense
Turning end over end
It flies away
Making its way
Through black rain clouds
Marking its path
With clear air
Broken, it falls
Mayhem ensues
Running, running
It continues to pursue
The sky ignites
A shooting red flame
Pulling the mess right in
It is gone for the moment
The ashes have fallen down
Soon to return to life
As a phoenix might do
To bring back the trouble
Bring back the pain
Let's just enjoy
This momentary refrain
24 October 2005
Every place is just the same, isn't it?
It is too easy to forget what it feels like to be in another person's arms. It has been months since I have even received an innocent hug.
I cannot help but think all the time, especially when I feel unusually lethargic. The slower my body is moving, the faster my brain goes. That is another reason I am so good at my job, I think - because I lose myself in what I am doing as a distraction from the outside world. It has occured to me that the way I feel when I work is quite similar to the "r-mode" described in Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain. I sometimes concentrate so intensely that I lose myself in my work. I believe I could literally do my job in my sleep. Yet, I still love it so. I told someone today I loved my job, and they asked me if it was my passion. I think it may be. Screw college - I could probably do this menial labor for the rest of my life.
I really ought to purge these thoughts I have been having lately. I have heard (and seen) evidence of a girl in pursuit of the fellow I have had my eyes on, and I know that it is not my place to be jealous. It is not exactly my place to interfere. I am just a "work buddy", I am just that girl that is pretty cool and likes to play video games. It is always the same - I like the boy things but I am not enough of a girl to be the geekish boy's dream. I am no Lilah from CAD, I am nobody. I am just me, and it is not enough. It seems that I just do not fit any one stereotype well enough to be "right".
Perhaps I just do not know the right people. Maybe the movies are correct, and there is someone out there for everybody, and I just haven't met my "soulmate" or something. Maybe that is a huge lie, however, and I truly am doomed to be the lonely "cat lady" who lives down the street, with blue hair and a purple hat. I wouldn't mind that, really, since that is how I hope to be when grow older. I just hope that I am not lonely.
Some kid once told me that I am intimidating. The context was within a conversation about how none of the other teens in our youth group ever talked to me, but everyone thought I was so-oo cool. If I am so cool, why did no one ever want to be around me? The answer was that I am intimidating. I have been trying not to be ever since, but it is difficult when I do not even know why. I know that I am pretty, but I also know that I am not fantastically beautiful, so that cannot be it. I know that I am intelligent, but I also know that I am not overwhelmingly so during simple, everyday conversation. I am not intensely opinionated, and even when I am I do not force my views upon anybody, so I know that I am not scaring people away like that.
At every job I have ever had, I have always had good relations with all of my coworkers. We are forced to get to know each other, sure, but especially right now I feel like I make friends best in this sort of situation. I keep thinking that maybe going to school will help, but I have been in college. I still had no friends.
Oh, woe is me. What a lonely, tiresome existence I lead. Perhaps I ought to take up this "emo" trend, and become depressed and dye my hair black. I will listen to music about how horrible it is to be a teenager, and start combing my new "fashion mullet" straight into my eyes. Ah, yes, that would be a fine life.
I cannot help but think all the time, especially when I feel unusually lethargic. The slower my body is moving, the faster my brain goes. That is another reason I am so good at my job, I think - because I lose myself in what I am doing as a distraction from the outside world. It has occured to me that the way I feel when I work is quite similar to the "r-mode" described in Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain. I sometimes concentrate so intensely that I lose myself in my work. I believe I could literally do my job in my sleep. Yet, I still love it so. I told someone today I loved my job, and they asked me if it was my passion. I think it may be. Screw college - I could probably do this menial labor for the rest of my life.
I really ought to purge these thoughts I have been having lately. I have heard (and seen) evidence of a girl in pursuit of the fellow I have had my eyes on, and I know that it is not my place to be jealous. It is not exactly my place to interfere. I am just a "work buddy", I am just that girl that is pretty cool and likes to play video games. It is always the same - I like the boy things but I am not enough of a girl to be the geekish boy's dream. I am no Lilah from CAD, I am nobody. I am just me, and it is not enough. It seems that I just do not fit any one stereotype well enough to be "right".
Perhaps I just do not know the right people. Maybe the movies are correct, and there is someone out there for everybody, and I just haven't met my "soulmate" or something. Maybe that is a huge lie, however, and I truly am doomed to be the lonely "cat lady" who lives down the street, with blue hair and a purple hat. I wouldn't mind that, really, since that is how I hope to be when grow older. I just hope that I am not lonely.
Some kid once told me that I am intimidating. The context was within a conversation about how none of the other teens in our youth group ever talked to me, but everyone thought I was so-oo cool. If I am so cool, why did no one ever want to be around me? The answer was that I am intimidating. I have been trying not to be ever since, but it is difficult when I do not even know why. I know that I am pretty, but I also know that I am not fantastically beautiful, so that cannot be it. I know that I am intelligent, but I also know that I am not overwhelmingly so during simple, everyday conversation. I am not intensely opinionated, and even when I am I do not force my views upon anybody, so I know that I am not scaring people away like that.
At every job I have ever had, I have always had good relations with all of my coworkers. We are forced to get to know each other, sure, but especially right now I feel like I make friends best in this sort of situation. I keep thinking that maybe going to school will help, but I have been in college. I still had no friends.
Oh, woe is me. What a lonely, tiresome existence I lead. Perhaps I ought to take up this "emo" trend, and become depressed and dye my hair black. I will listen to music about how horrible it is to be a teenager, and start combing my new "fashion mullet" straight into my eyes. Ah, yes, that would be a fine life.
23 October 2005
Thoughts wander when you stand still
It is difficult to see myself through other people's eyes. The knowledge of what I was thinking when I said something, or what I was feeling when I did something, cloud my vision so that I cannot see past myself. It is that much harder to socialize since I so often feel the need to facilitate every detail of the things I do. This is what makes me so good at my job, I suppose, but not very much else I fear.
It is unfortunate that I find myself unable to get past the idea of having somebody else in my life to make me happy. Perhaps this stems from my lack of casual acquaintances for so much of my life, or possibly from my best friend also being someone who fulfilled this need for some time. It is odd that he is no longer such a huge part of my life, and although it has been several months I am still having difficulty adjusting.
I am certain that much of this insecurity stems from the fac that he has found another person to be happy with. My whole life, I have been told by various people how wonderful I am, how intelligent, beautiful, funny, interesting, nice, etcetera. Some part of me, deep down inside the inner workings of my soul, believed all of this. All she can say now is "It is not fair, I should have been first to find love."
I am finding myself trying to fill this unnecessary gap with other people. It is dizzying. I am compelled to keep these infatuations secret, telling few or none of my thoughts. I have made one pathetic attempt at pursuing one of these, heavily veiled and probably entirely unknown to the person it was directed towards. Of course, my attempts were quickly thwarted when this person also found another.
The most recent has been a very gradual feeling. So gradual, in fact, that I am not even certain there is any feeling to mention. I suspect this may just be that I am afraid of feeling something for this person when the feelings are not mutual. This has been a theme in my life, and it is not one that I enjoy. It is far easier to convince myself that people do not feel anything special for me than it is to think otherwise. I may be holding back my feelings because of it, yes, but how awful is that really?
I thought things were supposed to get easier as I got older. It seems as though everything is just becoming more complicated. Each day adds more worry to my load, and each week adds another responsibility to my already full plate. Sometimes I wish for a quick fix, but then I remember that is precisely the reason that I smoke cigarettes. Ah, tobacco - if only bad for you did not feel so good.
It is unfortunate that I find myself unable to get past the idea of having somebody else in my life to make me happy. Perhaps this stems from my lack of casual acquaintances for so much of my life, or possibly from my best friend also being someone who fulfilled this need for some time. It is odd that he is no longer such a huge part of my life, and although it has been several months I am still having difficulty adjusting.
I am certain that much of this insecurity stems from the fac that he has found another person to be happy with. My whole life, I have been told by various people how wonderful I am, how intelligent, beautiful, funny, interesting, nice, etcetera. Some part of me, deep down inside the inner workings of my soul, believed all of this. All she can say now is "It is not fair, I should have been first to find love."
I am finding myself trying to fill this unnecessary gap with other people. It is dizzying. I am compelled to keep these infatuations secret, telling few or none of my thoughts. I have made one pathetic attempt at pursuing one of these, heavily veiled and probably entirely unknown to the person it was directed towards. Of course, my attempts were quickly thwarted when this person also found another.
The most recent has been a very gradual feeling. So gradual, in fact, that I am not even certain there is any feeling to mention. I suspect this may just be that I am afraid of feeling something for this person when the feelings are not mutual. This has been a theme in my life, and it is not one that I enjoy. It is far easier to convince myself that people do not feel anything special for me than it is to think otherwise. I may be holding back my feelings because of it, yes, but how awful is that really?
I thought things were supposed to get easier as I got older. It seems as though everything is just becoming more complicated. Each day adds more worry to my load, and each week adds another responsibility to my already full plate. Sometimes I wish for a quick fix, but then I remember that is precisely the reason that I smoke cigarettes. Ah, tobacco - if only bad for you did not feel so good.
