24 October 2005
Every place is just the same, isn't it?
It is too easy to forget what it feels like to be in another person's arms. It has been months since I have even received an innocent hug.
I cannot help but think all the time, especially when I feel unusually lethargic. The slower my body is moving, the faster my brain goes. That is another reason I am so good at my job, I think - because I lose myself in what I am doing as a distraction from the outside world. It has occured to me that the way I feel when I work is quite similar to the "r-mode" described in Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain. I sometimes concentrate so intensely that I lose myself in my work. I believe I could literally do my job in my sleep. Yet, I still love it so. I told someone today I loved my job, and they asked me if it was my passion. I think it may be. Screw college - I could probably do this menial labor for the rest of my life.
I really ought to purge these thoughts I have been having lately. I have heard (and seen) evidence of a girl in pursuit of the fellow I have had my eyes on, and I know that it is not my place to be jealous. It is not exactly my place to interfere. I am just a "work buddy", I am just that girl that is pretty cool and likes to play video games. It is always the same - I like the boy things but I am not enough of a girl to be the geekish boy's dream. I am no Lilah from CAD, I am nobody. I am just me, and it is not enough. It seems that I just do not fit any one stereotype well enough to be "right".
Perhaps I just do not know the right people. Maybe the movies are correct, and there is someone out there for everybody, and I just haven't met my "soulmate" or something. Maybe that is a huge lie, however, and I truly am doomed to be the lonely "cat lady" who lives down the street, with blue hair and a purple hat. I wouldn't mind that, really, since that is how I hope to be when grow older. I just hope that I am not lonely.
Some kid once told me that I am intimidating. The context was within a conversation about how none of the other teens in our youth group ever talked to me, but everyone thought I was so-oo cool. If I am so cool, why did no one ever want to be around me? The answer was that I am intimidating. I have been trying not to be ever since, but it is difficult when I do not even know why. I know that I am pretty, but I also know that I am not fantastically beautiful, so that cannot be it. I know that I am intelligent, but I also know that I am not overwhelmingly so during simple, everyday conversation. I am not intensely opinionated, and even when I am I do not force my views upon anybody, so I know that I am not scaring people away like that.
At every job I have ever had, I have always had good relations with all of my coworkers. We are forced to get to know each other, sure, but especially right now I feel like I make friends best in this sort of situation. I keep thinking that maybe going to school will help, but I have been in college. I still had no friends.
Oh, woe is me. What a lonely, tiresome existence I lead. Perhaps I ought to take up this "emo" trend, and become depressed and dye my hair black. I will listen to music about how horrible it is to be a teenager, and start combing my new "fashion mullet" straight into my eyes. Ah, yes, that would be a fine life.
I cannot help but think all the time, especially when I feel unusually lethargic. The slower my body is moving, the faster my brain goes. That is another reason I am so good at my job, I think - because I lose myself in what I am doing as a distraction from the outside world. It has occured to me that the way I feel when I work is quite similar to the "r-mode" described in Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain. I sometimes concentrate so intensely that I lose myself in my work. I believe I could literally do my job in my sleep. Yet, I still love it so. I told someone today I loved my job, and they asked me if it was my passion. I think it may be. Screw college - I could probably do this menial labor for the rest of my life.
I really ought to purge these thoughts I have been having lately. I have heard (and seen) evidence of a girl in pursuit of the fellow I have had my eyes on, and I know that it is not my place to be jealous. It is not exactly my place to interfere. I am just a "work buddy", I am just that girl that is pretty cool and likes to play video games. It is always the same - I like the boy things but I am not enough of a girl to be the geekish boy's dream. I am no Lilah from CAD, I am nobody. I am just me, and it is not enough. It seems that I just do not fit any one stereotype well enough to be "right".
Perhaps I just do not know the right people. Maybe the movies are correct, and there is someone out there for everybody, and I just haven't met my "soulmate" or something. Maybe that is a huge lie, however, and I truly am doomed to be the lonely "cat lady" who lives down the street, with blue hair and a purple hat. I wouldn't mind that, really, since that is how I hope to be when grow older. I just hope that I am not lonely.
Some kid once told me that I am intimidating. The context was within a conversation about how none of the other teens in our youth group ever talked to me, but everyone thought I was so-oo cool. If I am so cool, why did no one ever want to be around me? The answer was that I am intimidating. I have been trying not to be ever since, but it is difficult when I do not even know why. I know that I am pretty, but I also know that I am not fantastically beautiful, so that cannot be it. I know that I am intelligent, but I also know that I am not overwhelmingly so during simple, everyday conversation. I am not intensely opinionated, and even when I am I do not force my views upon anybody, so I know that I am not scaring people away like that.
At every job I have ever had, I have always had good relations with all of my coworkers. We are forced to get to know each other, sure, but especially right now I feel like I make friends best in this sort of situation. I keep thinking that maybe going to school will help, but I have been in college. I still had no friends.
Oh, woe is me. What a lonely, tiresome existence I lead. Perhaps I ought to take up this "emo" trend, and become depressed and dye my hair black. I will listen to music about how horrible it is to be a teenager, and start combing my new "fashion mullet" straight into my eyes. Ah, yes, that would be a fine life.
// posted by Liz @ 23:28 
