28 October 2005
Rotten tomatoes on a concrete bar.
I am feeling pathetic and stuck.
I did not leave my home town to be unhappy, I left to make things better. I was in a confused, wrong relationship, with a confused, wrong crush going on as well, stuck in my choices of where to live and unable to afford to live on my own. I was fed up with living in a big city and fed up with not quite being an adult or a kid, which is more understandable if you know my situation... which you don't.
The last six months have been a roller coaster of feelings, and I've grown in some ways and not in others.
It's frustrating to be unable to tell which ways I have truely grown, however.
I think this summer was necessary. I was irresponsible and lazy, without a job or a care. I was such a bum, for the whole season, but I think I needed a vacation. I feel fortunate to be able to have had this vacation from life's duties, but I really need to get my act together. I need to move out on my own, and get my apparent freedom back.
Anyway...
What has been bothering me all day long is how much I've been working. I work ALL the time, as much as they will let me without getting too much overtime. This sucks partly because I feel I have been getting a lot of responsibility and praise that I do not deserve, and partly because I feel like I am sucking up in a fashion. There was a manager at my last job who was the pet of the general manager, and the other managers thought it wasn't fair. I wasn't a manager, but I still heard all about it. There is only one other manager at my level at this job, but I worry that I have taken the position of 'pet', and that people dislike me for this.
Also, I moved away from home in hopes that I would make more friends. I have a few friends, sure... but they are "work buddies", who I don't even hang out with because lately they both have found girlfriends. I do not go to school, I do not have any other means to meet people, and I work all the time... I am so lonely sometimes that it literally hurts, but I honestly don't know what I can do to fix it.
I smoked four cigarettes today. That is the most I have smoked in five months, since I had not smoked up until two months ago. I am still working on the same pack, which is good, but after today it is starting to run low. I worry a bit about that, because it is sort of a secret from my father. I don't think he will say anything, even if I reek of tobacco, but I am worried that he will lower his opinion of me.
I did not leave my home town to be unhappy, I left to make things better. I was in a confused, wrong relationship, with a confused, wrong crush going on as well, stuck in my choices of where to live and unable to afford to live on my own. I was fed up with living in a big city and fed up with not quite being an adult or a kid, which is more understandable if you know my situation... which you don't.
The last six months have been a roller coaster of feelings, and I've grown in some ways and not in others.
It's frustrating to be unable to tell which ways I have truely grown, however.
I think this summer was necessary. I was irresponsible and lazy, without a job or a care. I was such a bum, for the whole season, but I think I needed a vacation. I feel fortunate to be able to have had this vacation from life's duties, but I really need to get my act together. I need to move out on my own, and get my apparent freedom back.
Anyway...
What has been bothering me all day long is how much I've been working. I work ALL the time, as much as they will let me without getting too much overtime. This sucks partly because I feel I have been getting a lot of responsibility and praise that I do not deserve, and partly because I feel like I am sucking up in a fashion. There was a manager at my last job who was the pet of the general manager, and the other managers thought it wasn't fair. I wasn't a manager, but I still heard all about it. There is only one other manager at my level at this job, but I worry that I have taken the position of 'pet', and that people dislike me for this.
Also, I moved away from home in hopes that I would make more friends. I have a few friends, sure... but they are "work buddies", who I don't even hang out with because lately they both have found girlfriends. I do not go to school, I do not have any other means to meet people, and I work all the time... I am so lonely sometimes that it literally hurts, but I honestly don't know what I can do to fix it.
I smoked four cigarettes today. That is the most I have smoked in five months, since I had not smoked up until two months ago. I am still working on the same pack, which is good, but after today it is starting to run low. I worry a bit about that, because it is sort of a secret from my father. I don't think he will say anything, even if I reek of tobacco, but I am worried that he will lower his opinion of me.
// posted by Liz @ 23:36 
