27 October 2005
Please, don't notice me.
This anxiety I feel is almost debilitating. I am having trouble breathing, and I don't know whether to attribute it to the cold I'm recovering from, or to being stressed out and not having smoked today. I really shouldn't smoke every day, but I know that I only say that because it is "the right thing to say", and I don't actually give a crap about future cancer. I will deal with it when it comes, and I will have no one to blame but myself.
I have been pretty sure for a long time that I have a mild case of social anxiety disorder. I haven't been to a real therapist or psychologist, so I do not know for sure, but if I do it is definitely mild. Tonight things are really getting to me. I keep thinking "I shouldn't have said that so enthusiastically", "Maybe I shouldn't have been so candid", "Perhaps I shouldn't have told her that", "I shouldn't have laughed so much", etc.
I am afraid everyone I know is going to discover some secret of mine, but I don't really have any secrets to care about.
I can tell myself over and over that no one noticed, that what I said wasn't inappropriate enough to matter, that I laugh all the time and no one will mind. Maybe what is bothering me is that I feel like I tried to hard to be pretty today, for no real reason except to be pretty. I don't try to be pretty, or to look nice. It's just not something I do, I don't care enough. Therefore, it must stand out when I do, right? I haven't got a clue.
I feel a little bit uncomfortable, because I feel like I am really getting into things I don't want to be a part of. Perhaps all the stress of this job really is getting to me, and I'm just not letting myself see it.
I keep thinking, over and over, about all the things I said today. I know I did not say anything bad, I just can't stop. The more I think, the worse it gets, and the more things I think of to worry about.
Most of all I am worried that everyone knows how I feel about this one kid, even though I know I don't really feel much other than friendship towards him. However, I also know that I am fully capable, although this may sound horrible, of hiding my true feelings toward someone for a very long time. I have done it before, multiple times, and I can do it again.
There it is, the tight chest and difficulty breathing. I should really take care of this.
I have been pretty sure for a long time that I have a mild case of social anxiety disorder. I haven't been to a real therapist or psychologist, so I do not know for sure, but if I do it is definitely mild. Tonight things are really getting to me. I keep thinking "I shouldn't have said that so enthusiastically", "Maybe I shouldn't have been so candid", "Perhaps I shouldn't have told her that", "I shouldn't have laughed so much", etc.
I am afraid everyone I know is going to discover some secret of mine, but I don't really have any secrets to care about.
I can tell myself over and over that no one noticed, that what I said wasn't inappropriate enough to matter, that I laugh all the time and no one will mind. Maybe what is bothering me is that I feel like I tried to hard to be pretty today, for no real reason except to be pretty. I don't try to be pretty, or to look nice. It's just not something I do, I don't care enough. Therefore, it must stand out when I do, right? I haven't got a clue.
I feel a little bit uncomfortable, because I feel like I am really getting into things I don't want to be a part of. Perhaps all the stress of this job really is getting to me, and I'm just not letting myself see it.
I keep thinking, over and over, about all the things I said today. I know I did not say anything bad, I just can't stop. The more I think, the worse it gets, and the more things I think of to worry about.
Most of all I am worried that everyone knows how I feel about this one kid, even though I know I don't really feel much other than friendship towards him. However, I also know that I am fully capable, although this may sound horrible, of hiding my true feelings toward someone for a very long time. I have done it before, multiple times, and I can do it again.
There it is, the tight chest and difficulty breathing. I should really take care of this.
// posted by Liz @ 20:44 
