11 November 2005
You radiate sunshine in the back of my mind.
It's not that I am jealous, I think. Well... it is, but not jealous of whoever she is. I am jealous of his life. He gets everything, a caring family, a great education, a bunch of good friends, someone who loves him. He always has, and he always will, and he will never be grateful. I don't know, maybe he has changed, but I don't feel I've been that out of touch with him. I suppose he could have grown up since I left, though. I know I have.
It's just... I know that I made choices that put me in the situation I am in. I know that I chose to drop out of college, and I chose to move away from home. I chose to leave my friends behind, twice, and I have to deal with that. I am building a decent life here. I have made friends, I have a good job. I could make a career out of this job, I am sure, if I wanted to. I think that would not be so bad, but it is overwhelming to know that I have something I might truly be able to stick with. I am young, and it is hard to deal with something like that, something that gives me such a sense of responsibility and adulthood. I suppose that, in a way, I have a fear of commitment, and this may be one of the ways I express it.
Some days I feel very lonely, and some days I am glad for the solitude. I don't have to worry about pleasing anybody but myself. It does not matter what anybody else thinks of my choices, my words, my actions, because there is no one to answer to but me. No one has the importance in my life anymore to stand over me, to judge me. I can be whoever I want and it is okay. I hope that never changes.
I always thought that I was being myself before. I know now that is not entirely true. I was myself, sure, but I was not comfortable with myself. I am really growing up to be a person that I like, someone who I would enjoy talking to if I met them on the street. I have good interests, I am a good person, and I am think that I have gained a lot of confidence and become a better person in a lot of ways.
I am going to go enjoy some time to myself. It doesn't exactly come easily right now.
It's just... I know that I made choices that put me in the situation I am in. I know that I chose to drop out of college, and I chose to move away from home. I chose to leave my friends behind, twice, and I have to deal with that. I am building a decent life here. I have made friends, I have a good job. I could make a career out of this job, I am sure, if I wanted to. I think that would not be so bad, but it is overwhelming to know that I have something I might truly be able to stick with. I am young, and it is hard to deal with something like that, something that gives me such a sense of responsibility and adulthood. I suppose that, in a way, I have a fear of commitment, and this may be one of the ways I express it.
Some days I feel very lonely, and some days I am glad for the solitude. I don't have to worry about pleasing anybody but myself. It does not matter what anybody else thinks of my choices, my words, my actions, because there is no one to answer to but me. No one has the importance in my life anymore to stand over me, to judge me. I can be whoever I want and it is okay. I hope that never changes.
I always thought that I was being myself before. I know now that is not entirely true. I was myself, sure, but I was not comfortable with myself. I am really growing up to be a person that I like, someone who I would enjoy talking to if I met them on the street. I have good interests, I am a good person, and I am think that I have gained a lot of confidence and become a better person in a lot of ways.
I am going to go enjoy some time to myself. It doesn't exactly come easily right now.
// posted by Liz @ 23:42 
