20 November 2005
Tell me that it's nobody's fault, nobody's fault but my own.
This has been a rough week. I've gotten pretty stressed about little things that don't matter. I've got a couple days to relax, though, and I'm going to take advantage of that.
I sneak around. I peek in places I shouldn't always peek, I look at pictures I shouldn't always see, I read messages I probably shouldn't read. I mean, I never go anyplace that I shouldn't already be, but there are certain things I should probably avoid, just to keep my sanity.
She seems a lot like me. I want to meet her, and I think I will, even though I shouldn't.
I feel like there are a lot of things I'm missing, or that I'm making up a lot of things. When I meet him somewhere, he smiles when I get there. We talk and talk, we laugh, it doesn't even matter. I don't, I can't love him. It wouldn't work out the way I'd want, which is perfectly, and it would just be... wrong, in a way.
I find myself frustratingly concerned with how I appear to someone else, though. Every word I say matters more than anything I have ever said. If I don't look just right, I am slightly embarassed. This is the id I know I like, though, even though I also shouldn't like him.
These are the people who reinforce my belief that I am not the kind of person people can fall in love with. Maybe I just haven't met the right person, but the only time anyone has loved me was completely based on circumstance, and pretty much being there in the right place at the right time, as far as I'm concerned.
If someone does like me, part of me wishes it wouldn't be a secret. The responsible part, however, knows that drama would not be a fun thing for me, and I don't need to deal with it.
I sneak around. I peek in places I shouldn't always peek, I look at pictures I shouldn't always see, I read messages I probably shouldn't read. I mean, I never go anyplace that I shouldn't already be, but there are certain things I should probably avoid, just to keep my sanity.
She seems a lot like me. I want to meet her, and I think I will, even though I shouldn't.
I feel like there are a lot of things I'm missing, or that I'm making up a lot of things. When I meet him somewhere, he smiles when I get there. We talk and talk, we laugh, it doesn't even matter. I don't, I can't love him. It wouldn't work out the way I'd want, which is perfectly, and it would just be... wrong, in a way.
I find myself frustratingly concerned with how I appear to someone else, though. Every word I say matters more than anything I have ever said. If I don't look just right, I am slightly embarassed. This is the id I know I like, though, even though I also shouldn't like him.
These are the people who reinforce my belief that I am not the kind of person people can fall in love with. Maybe I just haven't met the right person, but the only time anyone has loved me was completely based on circumstance, and pretty much being there in the right place at the right time, as far as I'm concerned.
If someone does like me, part of me wishes it wouldn't be a secret. The responsible part, however, knows that drama would not be a fun thing for me, and I don't need to deal with it.
// posted by Liz @ 10:53 
