06 November 2005
Easy does it, think of something to say.
My worries will seem so meaningless tomorrow, but tonight I cannot stop. I think and think, even as things change. Nothing has changed, though. It's all in my mind. No one talks about me when I am not around, no one whispers behind my back. There is no looking, no pointing, no laughing. I am liked, I am accepted, there is nothing more. Most of all, people are not evaluating me. No one is observing my every breath, my every blink, my every glance but me. I worry so much about appearances, about how I act. Did I say the right thing, did I laugh too much, did I seem too enthusiastic? Imagine what I must be like when I'm nervous.
I fret and I worry, and I stress when no one is around. Most of all, I dream. Sometimes I wish I didn't dream. Some dreams just get in the way of reality, leaving you stuck in a mess when you finally awaken and come to your senses.
Right now, however... it has become clear that I may not be certain of what is truly going on when I am not around. My uneasiness seems suddenly justified and my paranoia not so absurd. What if they think... I will not worry about it. I will tell the truth if I am asked, but until then I will not trouble myself over this. It's not worth it.
I fret and I worry, and I stress when no one is around. Most of all, I dream. Sometimes I wish I didn't dream. Some dreams just get in the way of reality, leaving you stuck in a mess when you finally awaken and come to your senses.
Right now, however... it has become clear that I may not be certain of what is truly going on when I am not around. My uneasiness seems suddenly justified and my paranoia not so absurd. What if they think... I will not worry about it. I will tell the truth if I am asked, but until then I will not trouble myself over this. It's not worth it.
// posted by Liz @ 01:19 
